Anything and Everything about Uplink

Moderators: jelco, bert_the_turtle, Chris, Icepick, Rkiver

Mr Bird Poo
Posts: 311
Joined: Wed Mar 19, 2003 8:45 pm
Location: Southampton, UK

Postby Mr Bird Poo » Sun Apr 06, 2003 7:09 pm

This gonna be one long post.


Why ask why?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If you kill someone with multiple personalities, would it be genocide?
Isn't it a bit worrying that doctors call what they do practice?
When sign makers go on strike do they make picket signs?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why your staring at carpeting?
Why isn't there mouse/rat/bird flavoured cat food?
If a tortoise/turtle lost his shell would he be homeless or naked?
Why are cigarettes sold at petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?
How does the person who drives a snow plough get to work when it's snowing heavily?
If a shop is open 24/7 why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
Why do they put Braille on some drive-thru keypads?
Why do men have nipples?
If you're driving at the speed of light and you turn the headlights on what happens?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they're concreted together?
If fire fighters fight against fire and crime fighters fight against crime, why don't freedom fighters fight against freedom?
Why is there a "permanent press" setting on an iron if it doesn't work?
If cannabis grows naturally, and we outlaw it, are we outlawing God?
When an elevator is illegally overloaded with passengers, who is criminally responsible?
Why do women wear such uncomfortable shoes?
Why is the dress (wedding dress) that married women spend the most on, the one they wear once?
Why do we itch?
How was the order of the alphabet determined?
Why don't penguins in Antarctica get frostbite?
Why don't we get Goosebumps on our face?
What does unscented hair spray smell of?
Why can't we make newspapers that don't smudge?
Why do we have to DRY clean raincoats?
Is it possible to get black light?
Why don't we get dizzy when the world's spinning so fast?
How should we actually zip our lip?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?
Why do they always put Christmas on the busiest shopping day in the year?
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
How did the first people on the Earth discover sex?  
Why is when I leave a packet of soft cookies open overnight they go hard, but when I leave a packet of hard cookies open overnight they go soft?  
If life is the ability to be born, grow and die (fate). Then what is death?


Life is a STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease).
There are three types of people; those who can count and those who can't.
What is nothing? You can't think about it because that gives it meaning and meaning is something! You can't define it! Also in order for nothing to exist, nothing can't exist because existing is something, not nothing. Some people say nothing's opposite is infinity but it can't because then nothing would be something, the opposite of infinity.
If a tree falls down in the middle of a forest and no-one is there to hear it; does it still make a sound?

Get really stoned, drink wet cement.

Blow your mind, smoke dynamite.  
Keep your local town tidy, eat pigeons.  
Keep death off the roads, drive on the pavement.  
No-one ever says "It's only a game" when they're winning.  


An irresistible force meeting an unmovable object.
Almighty God creating picture so big his hand can't cover it. - Proves God can't exist.
Believing the statement, "I always lie".  
There are no errors on this page except this one.  
This sentence is false.  
Ignore this line.
A man who can not die and the universe ending.  
My telling you to not do exactly what I say.  

That is all. I'll have more later. Thought you might like them. Well I was right.
We're all gonna die anyway, so what's the point?

Member of the "Windows 2003 isn't a Workstation" alliance
Mr Bird Poo
Posts: 311
Joined: Wed Mar 19, 2003 8:45 pm
Location: Southampton, UK

Postby Mr Bird Poo » Mon Apr 07, 2003 10:11 am


What do you think of my post.
We're all gonna die anyway, so what's the point?

Member of the "Windows 2003 isn't a Workstation" alliance
Posts: 1135
Joined: Wed Jun 12, 2002 5:19 pm
Location: England

Postby tommy060289 » Wed Apr 16, 2003 11:53 pm

get your free cupholder write now. Completly free of charge. If you don't get it within the minute then sue me

Click here
!toidI ,rorrim eht ni kool

Subliminal (burn) messaging (your) is (friends) awesome!
User avatar
Posts: 1615
Joined: Wed May 01, 2002 2:08 pm
Location: :noitacoL

Postby Luigi300 » Thu Apr 17, 2003 2:09 am

Luigi for mod in 2006!
Posts: 878
Joined: Sun Oct 06, 2002 10:46 am
Location: Texas

Postby waldaberz » Tue Apr 22, 2003 6:29 am

"The first non-admin profile added was that of waldaberz only minutes after the site went up.
He was also the first to edit his profile only moments later." -  Uplink Directory :)
Posts: 100
Joined: Fri Nov 08, 2002 3:06 pm
Location: UK

Postby Makam » Tue Apr 22, 2003 12:49 pm

Q: What have George Michael and a pair of wellies got in common?

A: They both get sucked off in bogs.
Makam: Everyones favourite palindrome
Posts: 78
Joined: Sat Apr 19, 2003 5:43 pm
Location: NYC

Postby Spectre4542 » Tue Apr 22, 2003 2:45 pm

this is a thing I picked up along my travels of the internet. Its called

Only in America....

- do you drive on parkeways and park on driveways

-do banks leave their doors unlocked yet they pin their pens to their desks

-do we leave our priceless cars in the driveway and leave our worthless shit in the garage.

-do people have the nerve to go to a mcdonalds and order a big mac a large fry and a DIET coke.

theres more but i am drawing some blanks
No mother damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the wright brothers!
Co-founder of Netwraith team. look for our new feature title "Anarchy" coming soon.
Posts: 78
Joined: Sat Apr 19, 2003 5:43 pm
Location: NYC

Postby Spectre4542 » Tue Apr 22, 2003 2:53 pm

a few labels on consumer products that prove that humanity is doomed to stupidity:

-on a cieling fan: do not attempt to clean while on.

-on a box of cereal: win a free hat details inside no purchase nessesary(the shoplifter special)

-on a treadmill: if you pass out stop exorsising

-on a swanson frozen dinner: may need defrosting

-on a cake box printed on bottom: do not turn upside down
No mother damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the wright brothers!
Co-founder of Netwraith team. look for our new feature title "Anarchy" coming soon.
Posts: 65
Joined: Fri Jul 04, 2003 2:28 pm
Location: Scotland

Postby SAE » Fri Jul 04, 2003 2:39 pm

yo phydaux
I WANT A PSP NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

User avatar
tabasco boy
Posts: 1180
Joined: Sun Mar 10, 2002 4:25 pm
Location: Lovely Planet Earth

Postby tabasco boy » Fri Jul 04, 2003 3:36 pm

Taliban TV Guide:

8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Usama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darnest Things"
9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "Bowling For Food"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"

8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionaire"
9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
Eating without Tabasco® Sauce is like a computer without a OS.
Posts: 1310
Joined: Sat Dec 22, 2001 3:46 pm
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Postby bgreene2001 » Fri Jul 04, 2003 3:41 pm

>John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to
>spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer
>him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in
>the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."
>John said that he would prefer the floor.
>The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a
>gorgeous young blonde. "Hi," he said, "who are you?"
>"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
>"I'm stupid," he said.
I swear Officer, I didn't know she was 4!
My Profile, my mates site, Bloody Mongrel.  Great stuff.
Click here to help me get some free magnets :)  Pleeeease?
magesto 2k
Posts: 102
Joined: Fri Apr 11, 2003 2:40 am
Location: Fayetteville, NC, USA

Postby magesto 2k » Fri Jul 04, 2003 4:38 pm

you son of a bitch!!! i damn near died from that.........bastard..........blah.........
Coming to you, exclusively, from the grand and wonderous Baghdad, IRAQ
vote for me.....
Posts: 6461
Joined: Sat Dec 07, 2002 7:08 pm

Postby Darksun » Fri Jul 11, 2003 11:06 am

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or
a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,

shakes her head, and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."


The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican to see the Pope.
When they get there they say to Dopey "go on... ask him, ask him..."

So Dopey goes up to the Pope and says: "Excuse me, do you know if there are any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"
The Pope looks and Dopey and replies that there are none,

so Dopeyreturns to the other six dwarves.
His friends start to poke him saying "Go on ask him, ask him!!!",

So once again Dopey goes up to the Pope and asks:
"OK, so are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?"
The Pope replies that he is unsure and so he gets on the phone and rings around asking his cardinals,
but returns shaking his head,

so Dopey goes back to the other six.
But when he gets to them they start heckling again saying "Go on ask him, ask him!"

So Dopey goes back to the Pope and asks:
"OK, look, are there any dwarf nuns in the world!"
Once again the Pope has no idea so he starts ringing around again.
A while later he returns and tells Dopey that there are no dwarf nuns in the world.

Dopey's mates crack up chanting...
"Dopey f**ked a penguin! Dopey f**ked a penguin!..."
Posts: 2725
Joined: Sun Mar 17, 2002 4:40 pm
Location: W. Australia

Postby ReflectingGod » Fri Jul 11, 2003 9:33 pm

Argh! Those damn penguins get everywhere!

Procrastination - Hard work often pays of after time, but laziness always pays off now!

**Bibo ergo sum!**
Posts: 2521
Joined: Fri Jul 04, 2003 10:44 pm
Location: Haifa, Israel

Postby ODDin » Wed Jul 16, 2003 10:02 pm

These are some instruction to my digital convertor . So, that's troubleshooting, and it's originally in a table with 3 columns:
1) The massage on the TV
2) Possible reason
3) Solution

Here we go...

- Gathering information, please wait... / The system is gathering information / please wait a few seconds.

- There is no transmission in this channel / There is no transmission in the channel you've requested / Please click the number of another channel, where there is transmission

- The program has been ordered already / The order of this program has been made / There is no need in ordering the program, because the order was done and recorded

- Please insert the watching card [I don't know its name in English, but it's the card you insert to the convertor...] / The watching card hasn't been inserted to the convertor / Please insert the watching card into the convertor

- This program has ended / The transmission of this program has ended / It isn't possible to watch the program or to order it

Now it's from another table:
1) Problem
2) Solution

- Can't find the remote control / It is possible to use the buttons on te convertor to do most of the actions [thank God they didn't write "find remote"...]

That's what I've selected. I just wonder about 3 things:
1) Who invented this crap?..
2) Why did they waste paper on it?..
3) Does anybody really checks the guide when he can't find the remote?!! ($%#^%#^@!!!!!!!!)

  -   -   -   -   -   -
And just jokes:

A black boy sits in the living room, playing with a small sac of flour. Suddenly the flour is spilled all over the boy. He runs to the kitchen: "Mommy, Mommy, I'm white!" But the mother is too busy cooking and doesn't pay any attention. He runs to his father: "Daddy, Daddy, I'm white!". The father is too busy reading the newspaper, and doesn't pay any attention. He runs to his sister, but the sister's too busy talking on the phone. So the boys walks out of the house and sits on the stairs: "I'm white for just a minute, and I already hate those Nigers!.."

There's a flood in a city, and a Jew is standing on the street, praying to God. A car comes by: "Get inside, we'll get you out of here!"
But the Jew refuses: "God shall save me!"
The water rises, and the Jew gets up to the 5th floor of his building, still praying. A boat comes by: "Get aboard, we'll save you!"
But the Jew refuses: "God shall save me!"
The water still rises, and the Jew gets to the roof. A helicopter comes: "Get inside, we'll save you!!!"
But the Jew refuses yet again: "God shall save me!"
So the water rises and the jew drowns. He comes to God and asks: "God, why didn't you save me?"
And God says to him: "You jerk! Who, do you think, sent the car, the boat and the helicopter?!!"

An American came to God: "God, when will there be peace in the USA?"
God said: "In 100 years." The American sighed sadly and went away.
A Russian came to God: "God, when will there be peace in Russia?"
God said: "In 500 years."
The Russian sighed sadly and went away.
A Jew came to God: "God, when will there be peace in the middle east?"
God sighed sadly and went away.

(Edited by ODDin at 10:04 pm on July 16, 2003)

Return to “General”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests