Cooks Dumber than Doctors

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McLumberjack
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Cooks Dumber than Doctors

Postby McLumberjack » Thu Sep 05, 2013 2:55 am

I know I know, stop the presses, frying seven eggs in one pan doesn't equal eight years of medical school, but this is a bit much:

Unlike doctors who go to the infirmary you want and stay there, cooks have an insatiable desire to do their jobs wherever they damn well can. Build an oven on the other side of the prison and they'll cook on it, fridges will be filled, serving stations... served. No matter that there's no prisoners in this part yet, or that someone just turned off the power, or that where they are TECHNICALLY isn't a kitchen, THEY'VE GOT A JOB TO DO.

And if they have to steal cooked food from the other side of the prison to serve up to no-one in particular, then they'll do that too. Even if there are 60 hungry murderers on the other side and they just caused the first food riot in the prison's history and any number of deaths. Cooks gonna cook. Hate the cooking game, not the cooking player. Too many cooks, no such thing. Just means more broth doesn't it. You'll be thankful of that broth at the end of a shift punching license plates.

Um... I've lost my train of thought. I think it was 'hooray for cooks.'
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Re: Cooks Dumber than Doctors

Postby Spectre Incarnate » Thu Sep 05, 2013 4:14 am

Hello, McLumberjack, and welcome to the dev forums.

McLumberjack wrote:Build an oven on the other side of the prison and they'll cook on it

Aha! You must be building a burning room! Mwahaha... :twisted:

Either that, or you're trying to make a second kitchen and canteen? In which case, the game does not support multiple kitchens/canteens and could be why your cooks are being erratic. :D
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Re: Cooks Dumber than Doctors

Postby McLumberjack » Thu Sep 05, 2013 4:49 am

Spectre Incarnate wrote:Hello, McLumberjack, and welcome to the dev forums.

McLumberjack wrote:Build an oven on the other side of the prison and they'll cook on it

Aha! You must be building a burning room! Mwahaha... :twisted:

Either that, or you're trying to make a second kitchen and canteen? In which case, the game does not support multiple kitchens/canteens and could be why your cooks are being erratic. :D


Hello!

It's the second one. And I'm so disappointed by the results I was compelled to finally sign up on the alpha forum and make fun of it.

Basically there's a cook civil war going on. They've divided along north/south lines and spend all day stealing each others food for their own canteen. The halls are chock full of moustached men running around with pots full of boiling cabbage and bacon. Someone is going to get hurt.

The MOST disappointing thing though, only one serving table in the whole bloody prison can hang over the wall so they can serve it straight into the canteen. All the others require door action. I've tried every layout I can think of to get them to behave. I even made one without a wall for a while, It worked all right, but you got a free shiv with your breakfast.
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Re: Cooks Dumber than Doctors

Postby McLumberjack » Thu Sep 05, 2013 4:55 am

Whats worse: The prisoners seem traumatised by it all, they all mill into the canteen, and just float around, staring at piles of bacon and screaming for food. "HOW EAT BACON" They seem to say, "SO HUNGRY." Eventually the clock runs out and they toddle off to stamp license plates on an empty stomach. Those poor murderers, it makes your heart bleed it really does. And those of their cell-mates.
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Re: Cooks Dumber than Doctors

Postby CommieKazie » Thu Sep 05, 2013 6:06 am

This is the most entertaining thread I've read in quite awhile. Thank you, all of you.

And no, I have no help to offer. Alas!
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Re: Cooks Dumber than Doctors

Postby McLumberjack » Thu Sep 05, 2013 5:40 pm

Alright, I abandoned the kitchen plan, I'll just have to make the north one bigger. The cooks down their arms and agree to cooperate in a glorious union. I fire one to send a message to the others.

But I'm not going to let this building go to waste, so another workshop? Yes the first one is making nice money and I've got more inmates than I know what to do with. Plus it's already got a generator that the second wing was going to use. So lets just pop a few machines down and oh for christ's sake.

Image

As soon as the whistle goes the south workshop starts a turf war with it's northern neighbour. Inmates run back and forth covering the prison in sheet metal and stacks of unfinished license plates. They'll be damned if they're going to spend any work time doing anything but raiding each other's shops and my profits immediately halve. Worst of all, unlike the cooks they all quit as soon as the dinner bell goes, "accidentally" leaving piles of metal jamming all the security points open. A flood of inmates rush through the metal detectors sending them haywire and the prison is awash with illicit spoons.

I cut off the water and call the riot police. This will not stand. No sir.
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Re: Cooks Dumber than Doctors

Postby xander » Thu Sep 05, 2013 6:43 pm

Just FYI: the buildings to which staff and prisoners can be assigned and which have objects that get moved around (sheet metal, food trays, and so on) all currently have problems. That is, support for multiple Workshops, Laundries, Kitchens, Canteens, and such doesn't yet exist. Multiple Showers, Yards, and Cleaning Cupboards seem to work okay, though the ability to send specific groups of prisoners to a specific room does not yet exist.

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Re: Cooks Dumber than Doctors

Postby Spectre Incarnate » Thu Sep 05, 2013 7:51 pm

Yah, he said he knows that. He's just making an amusing narrative to make fun of how the multiple room system doesn't work. I am enjoying it immensely! We need more stories like this. Narratives for unexpected events/bugs is what makes alphas fun to experience, becoming memorable links to a game's history for early adopters of the game. I was actually surprised to not see any of that here, as it is a very well known past time for other alphas. I think members expressing that they're sick of seeing the same bug reports repeatedly had dissuaded people from making commentary about them and that's really sad, cause that's one of the highlights of alphas for a lot of people. :(
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Re: Cooks Dumber than Doctors

Postby xander » Thu Sep 05, 2013 7:59 pm

Spectre Incarnate wrote:Yah, he said he knows that. He's just making an amusing narrative to make fun of how the multiple room system doesn't work. I am enjoying it immensely! We need more stories like this. Narratives for unexpected events/bugs is what makes alphas fun to experience, becoming memorable links to a game's history for early adopters of the game. I was actually surprised to not see any of that here, as it is a very well known past time for other alphas. I think members expressing that they're sick of seeing the same bug reports repeatedly had dissuaded people from making commentary about them and that's really sad, cause that's one of the highlights of alphas for a lot of people. :(

He's not the only person reading this thread, and it had not yet been made explicit in this thread that other kinds of rooms don't work correctly. Since people are obviously generally unwilling to search the forum for similar topics (or unable to come up with search terms that return meaningful results), it makes sense to make explicit in a thread like this what is going on for others who might come across it. Notice that I simply restated the bug, without reference to the fact that this topic has been brought up several times in the past, which I thought was a clear indication that I had the reading comprehension of at least a third grader, and had actually read the rest of the thread and understood what was going on. But hey, thanks for assuming that I am an idiot and condescending to explain it to me. :roll:

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Re: Cooks Dumber than Doctors

Postby McLumberjack » Thu Sep 05, 2013 8:28 pm

Now now, chaps.

Honestly, didn't know how well known it was, but then I was doing this simply to amuse myself if I'm being honest.

I thought I'd stick it on the workshop because why not. http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/f ... =175982620

See the ancient battlefield of the Cook Wars, the storied site of the 1885 Hours Without Incident, the Mystery Pillar behind cell block B (who built it? ALIENS?), the Inexplicably Filthy Accountant's Office and the Dead Guard who won't leave the infirmary, even when bribed. A truer guard there ne'er was: the hearse comes for him every day but he'll never leave his post, guarding Valuable Drugs and Scissors.
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Re: Cooks Dumber than Doctors

Postby Spectre Incarnate » Thu Sep 05, 2013 8:53 pm

xander wrote:But hey, thanks for assuming that I am an idiot and condescending to explain it to me. :roll:

I don't know what you're talking about. I did not assume you were an idiot, nor was I trying to be condescending, but yes, I was explaining that it's just a story and that I would like to see more of these. That's all, really.

Anyway, McLumberjack, please continue. It's quite charming. :D
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Re: Cooks Dumber than Doctors

Postby vulgarman » Thu Sep 05, 2013 11:15 pm

Man, now I want to make a peculiarly bugged prison and write a story about it.

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