Introversion

Yea so i really like Darwinia and Multiwinia and i also enjoy creating stories about things. However i don't know if other people think I am good. this is just like the prologue and is similar to that of the actual game. i really want to make a chapter one after this but i want to see how people react. Please comment and tell me what u think cause i really want to know if this is good. I remade this to be told in the perspective of darwinians learning about them selves before the great civil war. So now chapter one will be the first real civil war and the creation of more tribes. This should solve the problem of to much in to little.


We do not know who exactly the great creator is. Nor do we know why he created both the red and green tribes. All we knew was that the great creator gave us the gift of life and watched over us. He called us Darwinians and our world Darwinia. The creator also gave us our building blocks for the future. He made our mines and resources, and even allowed us to never truly be reduced in numbers. He made this possible by creating what he called the soul repository, the pattern buffer, and finally the receiver. All of these components worked together to create more darwinians from the souls of dead life forms. Life for the us early on seemed to be trouble free. Greens flourished with no real threat other than eventual death and even that would never deter us. Reds were never as successful but they too enjoyed life. Our numbers grew and our technology became more advanced every day. The creator praised us for this and was always eager what the next day would bring. We built factories to produce buildings for our people to live in and we never thought dark days could ever come. We were wrong.

One day a large group of darwinians had completed building the great temple to try and talk back to the creator. They built a trunk port and aimed it at heaven. They thought they were successful and started to retrieve data. Little did we know that we were merely downloading complex information from the creators data base. They must have done something wrong because one of the data cubes turned red and started to consume nearby darwinians. They became demonds. At first we thought this was a gift from the creator but soon all of us trembled with fear. The creatures started attacking, destroying our cities and our beautiful land. They took the very energy from the land and consumed us. After a very short time they infected everything except for one island the creator could protect. Only a few dozen of greens remained. The reds were cut off and the creator couldn't save a single one. All the hope we had was lost and even the creator sent us messages saying he didn't know what to do. Then one day he said he had gotten help from other beings like him and that he had found a way to fight back. We were amazed when we saw the warriors hey sent to us. They were four times our size and were controlled in groups by his species. We saw only a small group of three liberate the few islands around us and were astonished on how well they fought. Then we noticed their wounds. They seemed to be fading from the world barely holding on to our version of life. The creator said even with these new weapons he couldn't win in the end. That is when our days of being small pushovers ended.

The creator took a handful of us and promoted them to special Darwinians. He called them officers and we followed their every command. The creator gave us weapons and we became a fighting force. The creator used the souls of dead beings of the virus to create new Darwinians and our numbers now grew once more. We learned battle formations and marched side by side as one and slowly took back our land. The creator made new units. some carried us around these were called armored personnel carriers. Others gathered souls so they could be reborn and did other supporting roles like dropping bombs. Our army then reached the land of the red darwinians. We were surprised they weren't wiped out but soon found out there were being controlled by the virus. Ironically the only way to save them was to kill them. We fought our way through and soon took back all our land and saved the red darwinains. With only the great temple left we seemed like nothing could stop us. We then saw how infected the temple was. Every square pixel of land was filled with their death worms. And in the sky were soul destroyers and egg layers. The fighting was fierce, nests of ants were scattered along the entrance and came rushing at us. We lost hundreds maybe thousands of Darwinians but we soon came to the last island. We readied our gear and charged. The demons were pushed back and after hours of fighting we had won. The temple stood in front of us and we all rested. And just like that everything went back to normal. We went back to our homes heroes and started the long and tedious project of rebuilding. The creator left us like he did before. Leaving his warriors and units for us to use should we need them. Both tribes were rebuilding at the same rate now. We looked at each other as brothers but that would soon end.

This is not god. If I recall correctly, Wolflord is god.

xander

i know im not the best. i was only trying to be good not god or great. but regardless what did u think?

Structure: The format for this will be as follows: Summary: Length - What I learned from it.
Prologue:
Darwinia: Half a sentence - It's made of data.
The Darwinans: One and a half sentences - They live in data land and are small and innocent. They can apparently think for themselves.
Their way of life before: Nine words - Data land was a happy place.
Coming of the threat: Half a sentence - The sky went dark.
The threat itself: One sentence - A virus did viral things, apparently successfully.
First reaction to the threat: One sentence - Creator tried and failed to stop the virus, finally containing the few surviving Darwinians.
Build up to the final effort: Three broken sentences - Time passed, squads happened, squads suck.
Counter attack of the Darwinians: Four sentences - Darwinians pulled a Battlefield Earth. And peace reigned, up to a point.

Overall: Eleven sentences - There's this place with these curious Darwinian things and viruses ruined their idyllic life by infecting it. The creator couldn't do much about it so the Darwinians had to shoot them up. The virus consequently went away. The problems have apparently only begun to come up.


Internal conflict:
The situation before: One and a half sentences - Green was in charge, defending the falling souls (whatever those are) and they were happy.
The threat: Two and a half sentences - Red guys in the ocean. Red guys are after the Soul Repository (what that is) and are prepared to wage war over it. They are in armour, which apparently carries them as they hold so many red guys.
The response: One sentence - Turrets. Lots of people died.
The spanner in the works: Two sentences - Oh, that's just bloody stupid.
Consequences: Six sentences - It got violent. Multiwinians have lasers. Souls go upwards too. Bases were established. It got really violent. Factions are manifold. They're definitely going to kill each other.

Overall: Thirteen sentences - Green was supreme, then Red attacked. Something bloody stupid happened and it wasn't just Red vs Green anymore. Now it's really bad.


Bad narrative:
Darwinian years. (Do not abuse the modifier in the name of jargon)
Listing every single colour, twice.
Naming even more than that.
Everything you wrote in parentheses.
Not explaining things that are specific to Darwinia, like souls and the Soul Repository.


Grammar mistakes:
Please read http://www.dailywritingtips.com/passed-vs-past/ and http://www.dailywritingtips.com/there-their-theyre/. You don't use "there" for all three.

Questions
Why did things seem so perfect?
What was the virus?
Who were these warriors? (Note: I say "who" because the story offers no good reason to make the reader think "what" is the right question)
What is the Soul Repository?
Why are the two tribes suddenly only worth mentioning now?
What is so important about souls that they have to be protected?
What are souls doing fallling?
Armour is their word for armoured transport, right?
Did the Red tribe even have a motive? Were they oppressed? Is the Soul Repository all that worth having? Are Red just violent dicks?
Is stray energy really going to be your explanation for that?
Even if it is, why are the other colours suddenly trying to kill everyone?

Well i am glad people have told me what they think. I also fixed that god thing that i really wish i saw before posting. I am also glad Mas Tnega told me all those errors. I wasn't really thinking when i wrote this and will be more cautious next time. I will edit this one part at a time when i get the chance. Now that I look back i do see how a few things didn't really work. As for grammar i will try my best to not make as much mistakes but i was never really good at that.

Ok so i hopefully fixed most of those errors and remade the prologue to be more of a story. Chapter one coming soon but it will be about how the different colors were made

One more thing. Paragraphing. Perhaps a more complicated thing than giving us more than the bare bones of the plot, but a necessary one. As a suggestion, maybe you could split it up as:
1. In the Beginning.
2. Viral Invasion.
3. Darwinian Counter-offensive.

chapter one delayed might be as long as a week. Who would have thought FIVE projects would have come up from only FOUR classes! I already know what i am going to write its just that i dont have the time. I might luck out over the weekend. Thanks once more to Mas Tnega for the formatting idea. I will try to make it more complicated but i might focus more about getting chapter one out.


WHO ASSIGNS A PROJECT WHEN YOU HAVE ALREADY GIVEN YOUR STUDENTS ONE ONLY ONE WEEK AGO!

Turns out projects are easier than expected. so anyways here is chapter one.


Hundreds of generations after the great war both the red and green darwinians had become power houses. Both sides owned half of all of Darwinia and were desperately trying to find an advantage over the other. Once allies the green and reds constantly insulted one another and showed great hate to one another. The reds were tired of the greens getting the spotlight and being the favorite of the creator. Greens now wanted to the reds to stand down as a nation saying they had to payoff their dept from the great war. The standoff lasted so long some of the first machines ever built in Darwinia by the creator were starting to show their age.

At the receiver a few collectors started to malfunction and seemed to affect the souls they where harvesting. Both red and green engineers started to fix these but when they opened there control panels everything was in the right place down to the very last wire. The problem then made its way to the pattern buffer which at the time had many more machines to deal with the increased amount of souls. The green or red darwinian symbols which were projected at the top started to change color. Darwinians stationed at the facility could only watch and wait to see who came out of the pattern buffers. To their shock they saw a single blue darwinian. They quickly ran up to him but he said he couldn't remember anything. They then saw behind him more blues, at first a dozen, then a hundred till there were enough blues to start a nation. The greens gave up some of their land near the coast which they had no need for and gave it to the blues. The blues quickly set up a government and shockingly they started to act like they where at the level the other nations were playing on. Over the next few months more colors started to come through and even the reds had to give up some non populated land for these new nations. Most of the colors had ideas that didn't include war and remained neutral for most of the conflict. A few new colors however wanted power just as much as the red and greens did. The age of the united darwinians was over; Multiwinians now inhabited the land

Blues the first of the new colors and theories suggest they mutated from the greens. Yellows second of the new colors also became a major part of the cold war. Whites were one one of the last new nations. Their government was based on religion but what they wanted to gain from the war remained unkown. Lastly came black multiwinians. Most of their population was never seen but their high council suggested they were a highly advanced and inteligent beings against and not suited for war. As for the other colors they remained neutral until they started being attacked. They played important roles later in the war and ultimately changed its outcome.

ok so i am pretty sure the first half of this chapter is good but i can tell the second half isn't. The main trouble is listing the twelve different colors. If any one has any ideas please share them. if not il simply take that out and find another way to name them in another chapter

Beamer403 wrote:WHO ASSIGNS A PROJECT WHEN YOU HAVE ALREADY GIVEN YOUR STUDENTS ONE ONLY ONE WEEK AGO! :evil:

Aw... life is hard. May I suggest that you never pursue higher education?

xander

Well, in all other references to Darwinia/Multiwinia history only the first 4 colours are mentioned. So it would probably be best to get rid of the other four. Evilwinians (black) are the form that the virus infections takes so again should be kept separate. The should also probably be tought of as a barbaric culture running on instinct alone. As for the futurwinians they should be kept separate as well, with a very vague story about their intentions and as your story develops perhaps en eventual explanation as to there they came from.

And ditch brown and grey. Horrible colours.

you do have a point. also only have six sides would make it easier. I might have been tempted to change it but i down want to get rid of what i have already put up. I was really looking forward to writing what i have thought of for the other factions. I might change the black to evilwinians. As for white i will have to think about it because i want to try and mix my idea and the fact they are from the future

The only problem with my stories is that I let the reader assume too much. You leave no room for assumption at all! Readers like to think, leaving them feel intelligent after they understand a story (wether their views are correct or not). This feeling makes them LIKE your story. If you tell them every little detail, it's likely to turn out as a bad read (Well, for me, obviously).

I don't enjoy reading as much as I like writing.
I'm too afraid to post my own story, for I haven't played the full story of Darwinia yet and my ideas may be wrong.

EDIT:
I would be interested to see a machinima for multiwinia, or even Darwinia.