Bad Jokes

The place to hang out and talk about totally anything general.
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jelco
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Postby jelco » Tue Aug 26, 2008 4:32 pm

Q: What's the difference between a dead bird?
A: Their wings fly higher than the other.

Q: What's round, red and green, and keeps saying "I'm an orange"?
A: An apple with an identity crisis.

Jelco
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Postby xyzyxx » Tue Aug 26, 2008 4:42 pm

Knock knock. Who's there?
Interrupting cow. Interrupting cow wh...
Moo!



jelco the galactaboy wrote:Q: What's the difference between a dead bird?
A: Their wings fly higher than the other.
Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One of its legs is both the same.
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Postby Montyphy » Tue Aug 26, 2008 5:02 pm

Q: Why did the golfer always carry a spare pair of trousers?
A: He was incontinent.

Q: How do you get two elephants in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: One in the front, one in the back.
Q: How do you get four elephants in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How do you get two whales in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Take the drive south out of London.
Q: How many elephants can fit into a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Four.
Q: How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
A: There is a set of tracks through the butter.
Q: How do you know if two elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There are two sets of tracks through the butter.
Q: How do you know if three elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There are three sets of tracks through the butter.
Q: How do you know if four elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There is a Volkswagen Beetle parked out front.
Q: How do you know if five elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There is no more room.

Q: Why do elephants wear red tennis shoes?
A: To hide in the cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Works pretty well, doesn't it?
Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?
A: The red ones are in the wash.

Q: What do you call a two ton elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you breath through that thing?

Q: How do you get an elephant into a grocery bag?
A: Take the 'S' out of 'safe' and the 'F' out of 'way'. [There's no F-in' way]

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?
A: Elephino. ['ell if I know]

Q: What do you call a pachyderm that does not matter?
A: Irrelephant.

Q: What is grey and lumpy and comes in quarts?
A: Cream of elephant soup.

Q: What's green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A: A snooker table.

Q: What's white and can climb trees?
A: The South American tree fridge.

Q: What's blue and white and can climb trees?
A: The South American tree fridge in a denim jacket.

Q: Why did Molly fall off her bike?
A: She was a fish.

Q: Why did Jack fall off the swing?
A: He had no legs.

Q: What did the cannibal say while eating the circus clown?
A: This tastes kinda funny.

Q: How do you get a baby into a jar?
A: blender.
Q: How do you get it back out again?
A: Doritos.





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Postby xander » Tue Aug 26, 2008 6:08 pm

Montyphy wrote:--==<snip>==--

I am certain that I posted those exact same elephant jokes on here somewhere...

xander
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Postby ynbniar » Tue Aug 26, 2008 6:13 pm

Q. Why was the ground all white at Custer's Last Stand
A. Because the Indians just kept on coming and coming.
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Postby MaximusBrood » Tue Aug 26, 2008 7:50 pm

Montyphy wrote:Q: What do you call a pachyderm that does not matter?
A: Irrelephant.

Although it's supposedly a bad joke, I still had to suppress a chuckle here :P
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Postby Montyphy » Tue Aug 26, 2008 10:08 pm

xander wrote:
Montyphy wrote:--==<snip>==--

I am certain that I posted those exact same elephant jokes on here somewhere...

xander


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Postby Phelanpt » Tue Aug 26, 2008 11:39 pm

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
He couldn't control his pupils.

What's the difference between one yard and two yards?
A fence.

Why did the fly fly?
Because the spider spied her.

What do you get when you cross a pond and a stream?
Wet feet.

What did the Zen master say to the hot dog vendor?
"Make me one with everything".

The hot dog vendor handed it to him. The Zen master handed him a $20 bill and the vendor pocketed it.
"What about my change?" asked the Zen master.
The hot dog vendor said, "Change must come from within."

What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches and the other watches cells.

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and crosses back over?
A dirty double crosser.

Mrs. Bigger had a baby. Which one was bigger?
The baby. It was a little Bigger.

A man was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.

Why did the stoplight turn red?
You would too, if you had to change in front of all those people.

What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.

Do you want to hear the story about the broken pencil? No? Oh well. There's no point to it, anyway

One grape lived for lying around in the sun. It was his "raisin d'etre."

A man walks into a bar. Ouch.

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?
Nothing. He just let out a little wine.

This guy comes blasting into the doctor's office and exclaims, excitedly, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking! I think I'm shrinking!"
"Ok, just settle down sir," the doctor says. "You're just going to have to be a little patient."

A scientist cloned himself, but the clone turned out to be incredibly rude. Eventually, the scientist got sick of his clone and pushed him over a cliff. The next day he was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

A neutron went into a bar and asked the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are talking:
"Help, somebody has stolen one of my electrons!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"

And my favourite:

Why won't a bike stand up by itself?
It's two tired.
:D
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Postby xyzyxx » Wed Aug 27, 2008 12:08 am

Phelanpt wrote:A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.
Some people talk because they have something to say. Others talk because they have to say something.
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NeoThermic
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Postby NeoThermic » Wed Aug 27, 2008 12:18 am

xyzyxx wrote:
Phelanpt wrote:A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.


A dyslexic walks into a bra.

NeoThermic
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Postby Xocrates » Wed Aug 27, 2008 12:57 am

Phelanpt wrote:This guy comes blasting into the doctor's office and exclaims, excitedly, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking! I think I'm shrinking!"
"Ok, just settle down sir," the doctor says. "You're just going to have to be a little patient."


I know another variant:

Nurse: "Doctor. There's a man out here who thinks he's invisible"
Doctor (busy): "Tell him I can't see him right now"
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Postby Phelanpt » Wed Aug 27, 2008 1:00 am

Xocrates wrote:
Phelanpt wrote:This guy comes blasting into the doctor's office and exclaims, excitedly, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking! I think I'm shrinking!"
"Ok, just settle down sir," the doctor says. "You're just going to have to be a little patient."


I know another variant:

Nurse: "Doctor. There's a man out here who thinks he's invisible"
Doctor (busy): "Tell him I can't see him right now"

Heh, I know there's more of the kind, but I don't remember any now.
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Postby pinback » Wed Aug 27, 2008 1:26 am

Guy call the hospital. "Nurse, nurse, my wife's having a baby!"

Nurss says, "Okay, is this her first child?"

Guy says, "No, you idiot, it's her husband!"
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Postby xander » Wed Aug 27, 2008 1:49 am

Phelanpt wrote:A man was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.

A lawyer pulls into a parking spot on the side of the road. He opens the door, and a large truck (lorry, I think, for you limey bastards) rolls by and takes his door off. He gets out of the car and, being a lawyer, immediately starts threatening the driver of the truck, making all kinds of noise about how expensive the car was, and how he is going to sue the driver out of existence for damaging the automobile. A witness notices that the lawyer is bleeding all over the place, and has, in fact, lost his arm. When he points this out to the lawyer the lawyer exclaims "My Rolex!"

xander
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Postby tabasco boy » Wed Aug 27, 2008 2:24 am

HR DIRECTOR:

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died.
Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to," replied St. Peter, "but i have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, i think I've made up my mind, i prefer to stay in Heaven' , said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the HR Director in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, i never thought I'd say this, i mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but i think i had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," , stammered the woman, "yesterday i was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."
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