Know any good jokes?

The place to hang out and talk about totally anything general.
User avatar
Hyperion
level5
level5
Posts: 2102
Joined: Sun Dec 10, 2006 4:26 am
Location: England, UK

Postby Hyperion » Thu Jul 05, 2007 1:37 am

The GoldFish wrote:I take it that means you don't get it?

(Assuming there really isn't a mistake)


???

i think he got it...hence it being too bad we're not all monks...so we'd 'get it' too :roll:
User avatar
xander
level5
level5
Posts: 16869
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2004 11:41 pm
Location: Highland, CA, USA
Contact:

Postby xander » Thu Jul 05, 2007 2:51 am

The GoldFish wrote:I take it that means you don't get it?

(Assuming there really isn't a mistake)

edit - maybe I'm infering a different joke to the one which was originally conceived!

After you tell the joke, someone is expected to ask, "So, what was the noise?"

The reply is, "I can't tell you, you're not a monk."

I just skipped to the end.

xander
Rising Thunder MVP
level2
level2
Posts: 214
Joined: Sat May 12, 2007 2:03 pm

Postby Rising Thunder MVP » Thu Jul 05, 2007 7:41 am

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my testicles"
User avatar
xyzyxx
level5
level5
Posts: 3790
Joined: Wed Jul 02, 2003 7:50 pm
Location: Iowa, USA
Contact:

Postby xyzyxx » Thu Jul 05, 2007 3:14 pm

A woman gives birth to twins. However she cannot keep them, and must give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan".

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished her other son would also send a picture. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Some people talk because they have something to say. Others talk because they have to say something.
User avatar
xander
level5
level5
Posts: 16869
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2004 11:41 pm
Location: Highland, CA, USA
Contact:

Postby xander » Thu Jul 05, 2007 4:31 pm

As an anthropologist, I have studied a lot of cultures from around the world. One of the most interesting comes from the Caribbean. Among these people, wisdom is thought to reside in the hair of the beard. Thus, men are not allowed to shave, and the men with the longest beards rule the society. There is council of long bearded elders, led by the man with the longest beard.

For many years, a particular village was lead by a man named Be'ni (Benny, to most English speakers, is a close enough approximation). Benny had a very long beard. It went down to his feet, and then some. Much as Benny enjoyed his position of leadership, the beard was a pain. Birds nested in it, and he was always tripping over it, and he just wanted it gone. So, one day, he goes to the council of long bearded elders, and explains that he is going to shave off his beard.

"Benny!" they say, "you can't do that! You are the greatest leader that we have ever had!"

"I'm sorry, my friends, but I cannot take this any longer. I nearly broke my arm last week after tripping over this beard," Benny replies.

"But Benny," the council says, "Remember the stories! If you shave off your beard, you will be turned into a clay pot! You don't want that to happen, do you?"

"Come on, guys! This is the 21st century! You don't seriously expect me to believe such an old wives tale!" Benny says. "I am going to shave off my beard, and there is nothing that you can do about it."

With that, Benny left the council's chambers. He went into the nearest town with a convenience store, and buys a pair of scissors, several razors, and a can of shaving cream. He then walked upon. Upon returning to his hut, he pulled out the scissors and chopped off most of his beard, leaving only a few short whiskers. He then pulled out the razors and shaving cream and proceeded to shave off what was left. Now, he had never shaved before, so he cut himself many times, but, finally, he was down to one stroke.

Benny completed this stroke, and, in that instant, he was changed from a man into a small clay vessel.

The moral of the story is this: A Benny shaved ia a Benny urned.

xander
User avatar
zjoere
level5
level5
Posts: 1623
Joined: Thu Feb 22, 2007 4:40 pm
Location: Belgium

Postby zjoere » Thu Jul 05, 2007 4:51 pm

the hit and run case

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"




A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, “All politicians are *ssholes.”

A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, “I take offense to that!”

The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a politician?”

“No," he replies, "I'm an *sshole.”



Guns don't kill people. Dumb-ass, shit-for-brains, rednecks with no jobs kill people.


A bar walks into a guy. The bar orders a liver, a heart and a kidney. He asks that the lungs be thrown in as well. The man meets his heavenly reward. Such is the fate of humorous bar flies.


not all that great
User avatar
NeoThermic
Introversion Staff
Introversion Staff
Posts: 6254
Joined: Sat Mar 02, 2002 10:55 am
Location: ::1
Contact:

Postby NeoThermic » Thu Jul 05, 2007 4:58 pm

Hmm. I ponder if I can do a one-liner...

Two peanuts were walking down a dark ally; one was a salted.

NeoThermic
User avatar
The GoldFish
level5
level5
Posts: 3961
Joined: Fri Mar 01, 2002 9:01 pm
Location: Bowl / South UK
Contact:

Postby The GoldFish » Thu Jul 05, 2007 5:03 pm

It's the end of the summer term at the prestigious univercity of someplace, and the heads of the 4 largest departments (Chemistry, Physics, Engineering and Statistical mathematics) are called to report to the board of studies. They're ushered into a fancy waiting room, filled with all the items the university likes to show off to prestigious visitors, while they wait to be called through to see the board. The room really is a bit showee, it even has a minibar! It's a really warm, stuffy day. The Statistician opens the minibar to see if there's anything to drink. "Empty", he says, "typical...".

They're talking quietly amongst themselves when, all of a sudden, the newspaper box (filled with broadsheets for their guests to read) suddenly bursts into flames. The Physicist crys out, pointing at a vintage telescope, "The sun must have been focussed down that telescope and caused the papers to catch fire!"

"Quick, get help!" another exclaims.

Peeking out the door and looking down the corridor, they see it's deserted.

"Well what about a fire extinguisher?"

They look around the room and discover a very discerning looking tapestry hanging from a hook saying "fire extinguisher, please do not remove". Looking back at the fire, they see it's got a good hold of the papers. Then the engineer stands out, triumphantly, and says, "Right chaps, I guess that means it's down to us! We have to save this fancy smancy room for the good of the university!". They all muse for a second.

"OK, ok, how about... uhm...", the Chemist starts, "What if we cover it up and cut off the oxygen? That should put it out!"

"Ooh that's a good idea", continues the Physicist, "how about if we cover it up AND stuff it in the minibar - cooling it down past the point of combustion will stop it igniting again when we take the cover back off!"

"Wait, wait, if we can pick it up, why don't we just carry it outside?", the Engineer points out, "or better yet, open a window and throw it out!"

"No, no, no, with the warm weather the grass might catch fire and... wait, oh my god, what is he doing!!", the Chemist shrieks pointing at the Statistician, who, while they have been discussing what to do, has been scurrying around the room setting fire to tapestries, original copies of the consitution, the missing link, etc. They all scream in unison, "Stop, what the hell are you doing!!!"

The Statistician looks around calmly and says, "What?? I'm trying to get an adequate sample size?"
User avatar
Feud
level5
level5
Posts: 5149
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:40 pm
Location: Blackacre, VA

Postby Feud » Thu Jul 05, 2007 5:04 pm

Bill and Joe were out hunting when they found themselves lost in the woods. They hadn't thought to bring a map, and after several hours of trying to retrace their steps they realized that they were in serious trouble. Trying to remain calm and rational, they stoped to discuss thier options. "We told our wives where we were going, and that we would be back this afternoon," said Bill, "we should stay put and wait for the search and resuce team. If we keep walking we will just go further and further from where they will look."

"But there are trees every where, how will they find us?" asked Joe. Bill replied, "I once heard that if you are lost to fire three times in the air. That way it attracts attention, and gives them time to zero in on where you are."

They quickly agreed that they would thus wait, and in order to be sure that any passing rescue parties heard tehm, they decided to fire three shots in the air every hour. All night they sat awake, looking for signs of resuce, flashlights, helocopters, any thing. But even though they thought they caught glimpses in the distance, and the distant sound of helocopters, no rescue came. Morning came and they decided to reevaluate the plan.

"Maybe we should head towards where we thought we saw the rescue groups," said Joe. "No," replied Bill, "they will have left that area by the time we can get there, our best bet is to wait here." "If you say so," said Joe, "but I'm getting a little worried. We only have one more chance at getting noticed, we are down to our last three arrows."




Two friends came accross some tracks in the forest. "These are definitly bear tracks," said one. "I have seen them many times."

"Those aren't bear tracks, those are obviously dear tracks," said the other.

They stood there arguing, each refusing to budge until the other aknowledged that the other was right. The only thing that stopped them was getting hit by that train.
User avatar
Luigi300
level5
level5
Posts: 1615
Joined: Wed May 01, 2002 2:08 pm
Location: :noitacoL
Contact:

Postby Luigi300 » Thu Jul 05, 2007 5:33 pm

I'm a joke
Luigi for mod in 2006!
torig
level5
level5
Posts: 1251
Joined: Wed Dec 27, 2006 9:19 pm

Postby torig » Thu Jul 05, 2007 5:36 pm

The GoldFish wrote:I take it that means you don't get it?

(Assuming there really isn't a mistake)

edit - maybe I'm infering a different joke to the one which was originally conceived!

edit 2 - yeah I guess I am :P


Obviously, it's the 15-foot tall door that's making the noise.
User avatar
shinygerbil
level5
level5
Posts: 4667
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2004 10:14 pm
Location: Out, finding my own food. Also, doing the shinyBonsai Manoeuvre(tm)
Contact:

Postby shinygerbil » Thu Jul 05, 2007 5:37 pm

The GoldFish wrote:I take it that means you don't get it?

(Assuming there really isn't a mistake)

edit - maybe I'm infering a different joke to the one which was originally conceived!

edit 2 - yeah I guess I am :P


Yeah, I forgot to come back and finish the joke. It's supposed to be, "But I can't tell you - you're not a monk." :P
Here is my signature. Make of it what you will.
Image
User avatar
Feud
level5
level5
Posts: 5149
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2006 8:40 pm
Location: Blackacre, VA

Postby Feud » Thu Jul 05, 2007 5:58 pm

Bill Gates dies and finds himself facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. It is explained to him that while he did a lot of good with his money, he also kept way more then he needed, and as such he would be given the choice between Heaven and Hell for eternity. "Well, may I see them first?" he asked. "Why certainly!" replied St. Peter.

They visit eaven first, and it is a wonderfull place of peace, where everyone is content and happy, sitting on fluffy white clouds. THey then go to Hell, where they find a massive party in full swing. Drinks are being handed out, people are smiling, all on a beach with crystal clear water filled with schools of tropical fish and dolphins. Bill Gates thinks about it for a moment, and while heaven is nice, he likes what he sees in Hell a lot more, and decides to stay there.

A few months later St. Peter is wondering how Gate's is doing, and decides to visit him. When he arrives he finds Bill Gates chained to a blistering hat obsideon wall, his feet dangling inches over molton rock, while imps flail his skin, all to the cacophony of wails and sceams of thousands of damned souls.

"What is this?" screams Bill upon seeing St. Peter. "This isn't what I signed on for at all!"

"Sorry," replies St. Peter, "that was just the demo version."
User avatar
xander
level5
level5
Posts: 16869
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2004 11:41 pm
Location: Highland, CA, USA
Contact:

Postby xander » Thu Jul 05, 2007 7:41 pm

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a turkey?
A: chicken * turkey * sin(theta)

Q: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
A: You can't cross a vector with a scaler.

It might be cos(theta)... it has been years since I have taken multivariable calculus, and I can't be arsed to look it up.

-----

A mathematician, a biologist, and a physicist are sitting outside at a little cafe, watching the building across the street. They observe two people going in. Several minutes later, they observe three people leaving.

The physicist says, "Obviously it is not a closed system, as more people leaving than entering would violate the second law of thermodynamics."

The biologist says, "Hrm... they must be breeding."

The mathematician says, "If one more person enters the building, it will be empty."

-----

A linguistics professor is giving a lecture. In that lecture, she notes that, in English, most people would assert that a double negative creates a positive. She then notes that in many languages, such as Russian, a double negative is often expected, and can create stronger negative statements. However, she concludes, there is no known language in which a double positive can make a negative.

A student in the back smirks, "Yeah, right."

xander
User avatar
shinygerbil
level5
level5
Posts: 4667
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2004 10:14 pm
Location: Out, finding my own food. Also, doing the shinyBonsai Manoeuvre(tm)
Contact:

Postby shinygerbil » Thu Jul 05, 2007 7:52 pm

Offhand, I'm pretty sure it's cos. But I might be confusing that with some other law.
Here is my signature. Make of it what you will.

Image

Return to “Introversion Lounge”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests