Know any good jokes?

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Hyperion
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Know any good jokes?

Postby Hyperion » Wed Jul 04, 2007 9:43 pm

Title speaks for itself :) i only know 1 good joke that i read somewhere a while back, made me smile.

There's an Englishman, an Irishman and an American standing on top of the empire state building all drinking beer :) .
The American says to the Irishman "i bet you i can jump off of this building, fly all the way round and land back right here 8) "....the Irishman says "ha, no way! :P "...so the American jumps! off the building and low and behold he flies all the round around and lands back next to the other 2 men :shock: .

The Irishman thinks...bloody hell! :shock: i can do that too and he jumps! off the building and falls to his death.

The Englishman then turns to the American and says..."you know Superman...you can be a real bastard when you're pissed"

:roll:
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Postby Feud » Wed Jul 04, 2007 9:55 pm

During an Allied peace keeping in Iraq an IED goes off. No Iraqis or American's are hurt, but three visiting Brazilian officials are killed. Back in Washington the daily brief comes to the President's desk. "Mr. President," the aide says, "this morning there was an explosion in Iraq that killed three Brazilian men."

The President suddenly got a very pale look on his face. His breathing became shallow, and a cold sweat broke upon his brow. After cradling his head in his hands for several minutes, he regained his composure and quickly began giving orders.

"You, begin contacting the families, offering our sincere remorse. You, call a press conference for live TV in one hour, I'm going to address the nation on this matter. You, I need you to tell me exactly how many zero's are in a brazillion." :lol:



I'm actually a Bush supporter, and I hope that no one finds this joke in poor taste. I've just always found it funny.
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Postby Rkiver » Wed Jul 04, 2007 10:00 pm

Feud wrote:I'm actually a Bush supporter, and I hope that no one finds this joke in poor taste. I've just always found it funny.


That's the punchline right there.
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Postby ynbniar » Wed Jul 04, 2007 10:01 pm

Feud wrote:I'm actually a Bush supporter, and I hope that no one finds this joke in poor taste. I've just always found it funny.


Hmm.

Joking about being a Bush supporter is not funny and is in poor taste...don't you watch The Daily Show?

And yes I've always found Bush funny too. Not funny haha though.

:wink:
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Postby BrianBlessed » Wed Jul 04, 2007 10:26 pm

Why did the golfer always carry a spare pair of trousers?

He was incontinent.
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Postby Feud » Wed Jul 04, 2007 10:41 pm

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
children.
Suddenly, an madman with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at
you.
You are carrying a gun, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do
you do?

................................................................
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor, or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
What does the law say about this situation?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway,
and what kind of message does
this send to society and to my children?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
wound me?
Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day
and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such
behavior.

..............................................................
Republican's Answer:
BANG!

..............................................................
Southerner's Answer: *
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG
Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips
or Hollow Points?
Son: Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: Oh, No You Ain't Taking That To The Taxidermist!


Adapted from this thread: http://mp-pistol.com/boards/viewtopic.php?t=5163
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Postby ynbniar » Wed Jul 04, 2007 10:50 pm

Shug is having a hard time at home - dead end job, no girlfriend, and he gets nuked to hell every night at DefCon.

One day he decides to pack it all in and join the foreign legion. Before he knows it he's posted to some far off desert hundreds of miles from anywhere.

The days go by and he quickly gets into the routine.

Up at dawn, training for the rest of the day, back to the barracks at nightfall.
Over and over and over.

Then one day Shug wakes up to an almighty commotion. He makes his way outside and in the distance, way out on the sand dunes he can make out a train of camels.

The other Legionnaires are all running as fast as they can towards the camel train, fighting each other to get there first.

Shug's not sure what the score is so stops the sergeant and asks....

"What's so special about the camel train?"
"Well, they only come round twice a year and its our only chance for sex!!!"

"Wow", says Shug a bit taken aback.

"So why is everyone running?"

"Well, "says the sergeant, "...you don't want an ugly one do you?"

:wink:

P.S.
Q. What's the difference between an apple and an orange?
A. They both can't drive a tractor.

:?
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Postby xander » Wed Jul 04, 2007 11:16 pm

I know more bad jokes than I care to admit, but I will start with my elephant jokes:

Q: How do you get two elephants in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: One in the front, one in the back.
Q: How do you get four elephants in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How do you get two whales in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Take the drive south out of London.

Q: How many elephants can fit into a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Four.
Q: How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
A: There is a set of tracks through the butter.
Q: How do you know if two elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There are two sets of tracks through the butter.
Q: How do you know if three elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There are three sets of tracks through the butter.
Q: How do you know if four elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There is a Volkswagen Beetle parked out front.
Q: How do you know if five elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There is no more room.

Q: How do you put an elephant into the refrigerator in three easy steps?
A: 1) Open the door
2) Insert the elephant
3) Close the door
Q: How do you put a giraffe into the refrigerator?
A: 1) Open the door
2) Remove the elephant
3) Insert the giraffe
4) Close the door
Q: In a race between an elephant and a giraffe, which would win?
A: The elephant. The giraffe is still in the fridge.
Q: If Tarzan, the king of jungle, were to call a meeting of all of the jungle animals, which animal would not be able to attend?
A: The giraffe. It is still in the fridge.
Q: On your way home from the meeting, you come across a river maked "Danger: Alligators." How do you get across?
A: Just swim, the alligators are still on their way back from the meeting.

Q: Why do elephants wear red tennis shoes?
A: To hide in the cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Works pretty well, doesn't it?
Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?
A: The red ones are in the wash.

Q: What do you call a two ton elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you breath through that thing?

Q: How do you get an elephant into a grocery bag?
A: Take the 'S' out of 'safe' and the 'F' out of 'way'. [There's no F-in' way]

Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?
A: Elephino. ['ell if I know]

Q: What do you call a pachyderm that does not matter?
A: Irrelephant.

Q: What is grey and lumpy and comes in quarts?
A: Cream of elephant soup.


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Postby Feud » Wed Jul 04, 2007 11:22 pm

Those are pretty bad, but I did like the cherry and the "sir" ones!
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Postby The GoldFish » Wed Jul 04, 2007 11:39 pm

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Postby xander » Wed Jul 04, 2007 11:41 pm

A man is in search of G-d. Throughout his adult life, he consults with rabbis, priests, ministers, swamis, and all other manner of religious authorities. He asks them all the same question: "What is G-d?" They all try to answer, but none of them can do so to the man's satisfaction. Eventually, he hears about a guru who lives near the summit of a very tall mountain in Tibet.

The man sells off his worldly possessions in order to buy plane tickets to Tibet, and gear for the journey. Several weeks later, he arrives at a small village at the base of the mountain, and hires a sherpa to take him to the top. The journey is arduous. The man struggles in the high air, the cold, the rocky trails, and the beef jerky. Finally, after days of hiking, they reach the guru.

The man asks his question: "What is G-d?"

The guru responds, "G-d is everywhere. G-d is everything. The rock is G-d. The trees are G-d. The mountain is G-d. The clouds are G-d. I am G-d, and you are G-d."

With that, the man feels enlightened. Finally, a satisfactory answer.

Feeling giddy, he and the sherpa hike down the mountain again. After several more days of hiking through cold winds and snow, they get back to the village. The man pays the sherpa, and starts walking down the street to catch a ride back to the airport. On the way, he notices a man riding down the street on a rampaging elephant. The elephant is charging right at him, and the man on the back of the elephant is yelling "GET OUT OF THE WAY! GET OUT OF THE WAY!"

But, the man thinks to himself. 'If I am G-d, and the elephant is G-d, and the man trying to control the elephant is G-d, then I am in no danger -- G-d would never intentionally harm himself!"

The man on the elephant is still shouting "GET OUT OF THE WAY! GET OUT OF THE WAY!"

But the man is satisfied that he is safe, continues to stand in the middle of the street, and is trampled by the elephant.

He wakes up in a Tibetian hospital several weeks later, having suffered a broken neck, two broken legs, uncountable broken ribs, and sundry other cuts, bruises, and lacerations. He spends months recovering, but is finally well enough to travel. He goes back to the village, confused by his experience, and finds another sherpa to take him back to the guru. After several more days of hard travel, he has returned to the guru's hut.

"Guru," he says, after relating his experience, "I don't understand why I got run over. Why did G-d hurt himself?"

The guru replies, "Did you not hear the voice of G-d saying 'Get out of the way?'"

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Postby shinygerbil » Wed Jul 04, 2007 11:56 pm

What's green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A snooker table.




What's white and can climb trees?
The South American tree fridge.

What's blue and white and can climb trees?
The South American tree fridge in a denim jacket.
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Postby shinygerbil » Thu Jul 05, 2007 12:34 am

A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities. He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked.

The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay tonight, you can get a ride on our wagon into town tomorrow," they said. So the man stayed the night, and they put him in a small room in the monastery.

In the middle of the night, the man was awakened suddenly by a noise. Not just any noise, but the loudest, most wonderful, most terrifying, most hair-raising noise ever.

He sat there, his heart beating for a few minutes, and he heard it again!Getting out of bed, he went running in the direction of the noise. It came again, making the hair on the back of his neck rise and his skin crawl. Finally, he came to a large door where the head monk was standing. The door was at least 15 feet tall, and made of solid-looking wood and metal. It had chains and bars and locks and a deadbolt on it, and was the most formidable door the man had ever seen.

"What was that sound?" He asked. "What made it? Is it behind that door?"

The head monk shook his head. "I'm sorry," he said. "I can't tell you; you're not a monk."

As the man turned away, he heard the noise again. "You have to tell me what it is," he begged.

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you, you're not a monk," said the monk.

The man tried to sleep, but couldn't get the noise out of his head. In the morning, as he was getting ready to leave, he heard the sound again. It made his ears ring and his mind whirl."Please tell me what made that sound," he said.

But the monks wouldn't. "I'm sorry, you're not a monk" was all they said.

The man left, and eventually got his car fixed and went back to his life. But he couldn't get the sound out of his mind. After a few months, he got in his car and drove and drove until he found the monastery again. He got out of his car and found the head monk. "I can't forget that sound from that night I was here. Please, please please tell me what made that sound." The head monk just shook his head.

"I can't tell you; you're not a monk," he said."Then tell me how I can become a monk," the man said.

The head monk said "It's very difficult. Are you sure you want to do this?"The man said "I've got to. I have to know what made that sound."The head monk said, "To join us, you have to perform several tasks. Your first task is to count all of the stars visible in the sky."

The man thought about how hard that would be, but he had to know what made that sound. He sat up every night for a year, counting the stars over and over until he was sure how many stars were visible in the sky. He went to the head monk and told him, and the monk nodded.

"Very good. Your next task is to count all of the grains of sand on the beaches around the world."The man knew this would be even harder, but he could not get the noise out of his head. He had to know what, what kind of animal, could make that terrible horrible mind-bending sound. So he left on his journeys. He crawled the length and breadth of every beach in the world, counting the grains of sand, and he returned to the monastery years later.The head monk heard his answer and nodded.

"Excellent. You are almost done. Your final task is to climb to the peak of the highest mountain in the world, and see yourself in relation to the rest of creation." And the man knew this would be hard, but he outfitted himself, and he went to the highest mountain in the world, and he climbed to the top, and returned months later, older and wiser and more tired than years before when he had first heard the noise, the noise that would not leave his mind and that echoed in his every waking thought.He returned, and the head monk saw that he was wiser, and said "At last, you are a monk. Come with me."

And they walked through the monastery, its twisting and turning halls, and as they went the man heard the noise again, over and over, and he was no longer sure if it was the noise or merely his memory of it.And finally, finally, he stood in front of the door and the head monk opened it up, and the man saw what had made the noise.
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Postby xander » Thu Jul 05, 2007 1:00 am

shinygerbil wrote:--==<snip>==--

Too bad we're not all monks. :(

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Postby The GoldFish » Thu Jul 05, 2007 1:31 am

I take it that means you don't get it?

(Assuming there really isn't a mistake)

edit - maybe I'm infering a different joke to the one which was originally conceived!

edit 2 - yeah I guess I am :P
Last edited by The GoldFish on Thu Jul 05, 2007 5:11 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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