Introduction: I hope this is somewhat entertaining. If not, feel free to flame. Errors are to be corrected...
Tokyo (npa) - The General Command of the Russian Asian Federation (GCRAF) just announced that the global crisis is over and the war has ended. In their first personal meeting since the beginning of the crisis, the Russian Czar Feud and Asian Grand Marshall snwcrsh declared Tokyo as new new capital of the newly formed Nation of Gaia.
"We feel deepest pain for the 47 Million Russian Death, especially for the residents of Moscow for which that city does not exist anymore", said The Grand Marshall in the later press conference today. "And we are in debt forever for this brave sacrifice, as the Russian tactic of war saved the Asian continent from severe impacts of a nuclear armageddon."
Indeed, nobody would have expected that a global thermonuclear war would leave Asia basically unharmed; except strategic targets there was only one recorded missile impact in Calcutta, netting casualties of roughly half a million people as the tactical overview shows:
People in Tokyo and all around Asia are cheering the Asian Grand Marshall for his successful efforts in saving the Asian people. We now present a previously recorded interview with the Grand Marshall himself.
NPP: Welcome, Grand Marshall snwcrsh and thank you for sparing your time for this interview. Your efforts were definitely remarkable, what was the key point of success?
GM: Well, first of all, a planet where six more or less mad leaders feel the urge to press some buttons and lay destruction over the whole place is not a good planet to be on. You cannot expect to win much. We we're in diplomatic relations, so every strategic target was known. My job was to protect my people, not to cause nuclear havoc. So the key issue is always to make every possible effort to get not attacked at all.
NPP: We and the common people have little understanding what has actually happened. The Nippon Press Agency (npa) had access to the classified military-filtered newsfeeds about the situation, they read as follows:
Tokyo Command: We are going to Defcon 4, I repeat, Defcon 4. Do not engange African Alliance, neither territory nor units. By no means deploy naval forces into the Indian Ocean. We have a mutual agreement to demilitarize the Indian Ocean. Everey unit except for submarines must stay clear of that area.
Tokyo Command: We are going to Defcon 3, repeat Defcon 3. We just had communication with the Russian Czar and agreed to not to proceed to each others territory. All offensive Naval Units are to bear east into the Pacific. Stay at bay, scout the area and secure the eastern front. Ignore all Russian forces.
BBC News: We have reports that a fleet of US-American Battleships and Carriers are under attack by an unidentified enemy. At least three Carriers have been sunk, further details have not been disclosed yet. This is the first act of fire since the declaration of the crisis. Stay tuned for updates. We'll be right back, after these important messages [....] This global thermonuclear war ist brought to you by: Coors Lite, It's the right beer now!][tm]
Tokyo Command We are going to Defcon 2, I repeat, Defcon 2. All naval units with nuclear stock is to sail east immeadiately. Position at strategic positions out of enemy radar range at Northern American coast. Keep subs out of range of AS-Carriers. All Pacific carriers are to launch nuclear equipped bombers at 090 bearing immediately. Further instructions follow.
Tokyo Command We are going to Defcon 1, I repeat Defcon 1. Proceed with bomber launches at 090 bearing. Point of orientation is carribean. All bombers prepare for SMBR drop. Targets to be announced.
BBC News: This just came in: The Southern American Dictator Max has just been released from the global Diplomacy Agreement. Southern American will no longer share radar intelligence nor be treated as friendly forces by the Diplomacy Alliance.
BBC News: The USSR has just declared war on Southern America. Prime Czar Feud announced nuclear wreckage among the Amazonas.
BBC News: The European Alliance has just announced that it will resign from the Diplomacy Agency and officially declared war on Russia.
NPP: Now, this was a bit confusing to us... it looked like you gave orders to engage North America, but then all the sudden Southern America was dropped from the alliance and your mutual ally attacked him. And that Europe attacked USSR? Did that take you by surprise?
GM: chuckles No, not at all. Here we are at another key issue for success: The alliance with Russia did not only serve the purpose to spare troops and civilians. The much more important reason was that Czar Feud is a very cunny and dangerous general. And it was him to come up with the plan how to strike at the US without being notified until it is too late. It was his subs, that attacked the US fleet -- the plan was made way before we were at Defcon 2.
However, that Europe started the attack on USSR was unplanned. That was the main reason why our Russian fellows had to suffer so much, because they faced a two front war all the sudden. There was nothing I could do at that time as all our forces were located near Tokyo and Shanghai.
NPP: But why did you attack NA in the first place? Didn't you say your task was to *not* cause nuclear havoc?
GM: I said, primarily my task is to protect my people and the best way to ensure that is to not let anyone attack you. I had mutual agreements with Africa and Russia to not attack so the only danger was the eastern front, NA even more than SA.
But I couldnt just pull all our forces towards NA West Coast without arousing suspicion. So Czar Feud came up with this great plan to kick SA from our alliance (our influence was big enough to enforce that). This accomplished so many great things:
a) USSR could launch at NA targets without arousing suspicion (for a while)
b) I could launch all my Pacific bombers and route them over US territory, without immediate questions.
c) Africa gets involved with SA in the South Atlantic, reducing troops
c) NA and SA hit each other, reducing score
NPP: *confused* Err, score? what do you mean by 'score'?
GM: Well, all generals have a score sheet to see how they are doing in a global thermonuclear war. Kills and Deaths you know? Anyway, this strategy worked just as it was planned. Russian ICBM's hit in NA, our bombers did shortly afterwards. It was not an extreme attack but since SA joined the party it was enough to destroy any hope for the American Civilization. In exchange, SA got hit about as badly. Partly from NA but I guess that Africa added a few hits, too. Our own subs later cleared the remains of the SA west coast; we even got a late initial strike at Lima that killed 5 millions grins manically
NPP: Uhhhm... Okay. Anyway, seems like the Pacific was pretty much clear at that time, but weren't you in worry about a possible backstab from Africa or USSR?
GM: Yes, Feud and I had absolute Naval Dominance in the Pacific at that time. And I did not worry about a backstab from him at any moment. He was trailing on 4th at the score sheet with about 60 at that time. But NA/SA was pretty much history; it was to be anticipated that they would end up last. Europe could not stand against Africa and USSR, so it was basically open between Asia, USSR and Africa.
NPP: With Asia being the prime target?
GM: Of course. We were unharmed, racking still 100 points on the sheet. Africa had 95, and I am not sure by how much Russia was trailing but they had about 60 maybe. But as I said, I was positive that Russia would not backstab. I was not so sure about Africa. It was only 5 points. And since all our silos were placed at Tokyo, India and all the rest was unguarded.
That made me move half of my fleet (I basically had no mentionable naval casualties either) into the Indian Ocean while the other half advanced below Cape Horn into the South Atlantic. African was not happy with that movement, but I assured him that I would not attack (why would I, my people are fine with no casualties).
Then, something bad happened. He dropped.
NPP: Huhm, what do you mean, he dropped? The African Leader dropped dead on the spot?
GM: Yes, technically. His medics were able to ressurect him but he was out of synchronisation. So then some artificial intelligence took over and we decided to kick him out and nuke the #$&! out of him
NPP: Grand Marshall, please... we have minor readers
GM: Sorry the beer. (points a bottle of Jever into the camera)Anyway, it was a pity that African Leader Maniac dropped -- it would have been interesting. There was no hostile action between our nations and I really wonder whether he had attacked. With Africa being CPU it was easy to put Czar Feud in second place and securing an impressive victory for Asia. But overall, I am just very happy totalling with just 500.000 casualties in a diplomacy warfare, but this would have not been possible without Prime Czar Feud, who kept the bad stuff awayfrom me and opened the doors for a great team victory. I owe you one, buddy!
NPP:Grand Marshall, thank you for your time. I hope our readers enjoyed this interview.
