A joke to lighten the mood
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- level2
- Posts: 76
- Joined: Fri Jul 28, 2006 4:17 pm
A joke to lighten the mood
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
- N0ught
- level3
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Did you really want to start telling bad jokes? Is that really what you wanted? Because I am the keeper of the worst jokes in the world. Here is a short warmup (a small collection of Bad Elephant Jokes):
Q: How do you get two elephants in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: One in the front, one in the back.
Q: How do you get four elephants in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How do you get two whales in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Take the drive south out of London.
Q: How many elephants can fit into a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Four.
Q: How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
A: There is a set of tracks through the butter.
Q: How do you know if two elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There are two sets of tracks through the butter.
Q: How do you know if three elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There are three sets of tracks through the butter.
Q: How do you know if four elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There is a Volkswagen Beetle parked out front.
Q: How do you know if five elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There is no more room.
Q: How do you put an elephant into the refrigerator in three easy steps?
A: 1) Open the door
2) Insert the elephant
3) Close the door
Q: How do you put a giraffe into the refrigerator?
A: 1) Open the door
2) Remove the elephant
3) Insert the giraffe
4) Close the door
Q: In a race between an elephant and a giraffe, which would win?
A: The elephant. The giraffe is still in the fridge.
Q: If Tarzan, the king of jungle, were to call a meeting of all of the jungle animals, which animal would not be able to attend?
A: The giraffe. It is still in the fridge.
Q: On your way home from the meeting, you come across a river maked "Danger: Alligators." How do you get across?
A: Just swim, the alligators are still on their way back from the meeting.
Q: Why do elephants wear red tennis shoes?
A: To hide in the cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Works pretty well, doesn't it?
Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?
A: The red ones are in the wash.
Q: What do you call a two ton elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you breath through that thing?
Q: How do you get an elephant into a grocery bag?
A: Take the 'S' out of 'safe' and the 'F' out of 'way'. [There's no F-in' way]
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?
A: Elephino. ['ell if I know]
Q: What do you call a pachyderm that does not matter?
A: Irrelephant.
xander
Q: How do you get two elephants in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: One in the front, one in the back.
Q: How do you get four elephants in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Two in the front, two in the back.
Q: How do you get two whales in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Take the drive south out of London.
Q: How many elephants can fit into a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Four.
Q: How do you know if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
A: There is a set of tracks through the butter.
Q: How do you know if two elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There are two sets of tracks through the butter.
Q: How do you know if three elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There are three sets of tracks through the butter.
Q: How do you know if four elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There is a Volkswagen Beetle parked out front.
Q: How do you know if five elephants have been in your refrigerator?
A: There is no more room.
Q: How do you put an elephant into the refrigerator in three easy steps?
A: 1) Open the door
2) Insert the elephant
3) Close the door
Q: How do you put a giraffe into the refrigerator?
A: 1) Open the door
2) Remove the elephant
3) Insert the giraffe
4) Close the door
Q: In a race between an elephant and a giraffe, which would win?
A: The elephant. The giraffe is still in the fridge.
Q: If Tarzan, the king of jungle, were to call a meeting of all of the jungle animals, which animal would not be able to attend?
A: The giraffe. It is still in the fridge.
Q: On your way home from the meeting, you come across a river maked "Danger: Alligators." How do you get across?
A: Just swim, the alligators are still on their way back from the meeting.
Q: Why do elephants wear red tennis shoes?
A: To hide in the cherry trees.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? Works pretty well, doesn't it?
Q: Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?
A: The red ones are in the wash.
Q: What do you call a two ton elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: How do you breath through that thing?
Q: How do you get an elephant into a grocery bag?
A: Take the 'S' out of 'safe' and the 'F' out of 'way'. [There's no F-in' way]
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhino?
A: Elephino. ['ell if I know]
Q: What do you call a pachyderm that does not matter?
A: Irrelephant.
xander
- Hegemon Hog
- level2
- Posts: 104
- Joined: Sat Sep 30, 2006 12:25 pm
- Location: Seattle, USA
xander wrote:terrible terrible words
Oh gaddamn.... jesus chr.... GAH! Those are so bad, they don't deserve the title "joke". Whoever called them jokes is a fool. They serve to pollute the meme pool, and no sir, I don't like it! If you told me any of those at a bar or at a party, I might just deck you.
Tut, tut xander. Any connoiseur of British comedy should know that the real answer to the VW joke is:
" You chop them in half. Then you chop them in half again. Then you slice them up very finely. Then you mash them. Then you put them in plastic bags. You put some in the boot, you put some in the back seat, and what's left over you put on the passenger seat."
" You chop them in half. Then you chop them in half again. Then you slice them up very finely. Then you mash them. Then you put them in plastic bags. You put some in the boot, you put some in the back seat, and what's left over you put on the passenger seat."
-
- level2
- Posts: 76
- Joined: Fri Jul 28, 2006 4:17 pm
PhantomTa2 wrote:xander wrote:Q: How do you get two whales in a Volkswagen Beetle?
A: Take the drive south out of London.
That would be North or North-West :P
Pish-tosh! I shouldn't be expected to know anything about world geography! I am an American! ph34r my n4t10n4l15t1( p0\/\/3rz!!!1!1!11!!!1!!oneone
xander
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